Immeasurable Sadness

The sadness I feel in my heart is beyond any  measure on any scale.  All that I had has been ripped away. Taken from me. All i wanted was to feel something positive again. Anything.  But like so much sand my fingers cannot keep hold and I am left with my hand empty desperately grasping the air for what has been taken from me.  When doss the pain end? When does the suffering lament? When can I finally rest?  I do nit want to go on. The world takes and takes only giving me a bastardized version of my desires like the magic of a monkey paw.

I have risked all for the dust that has fallen at my feet where a golden memory once stood.  Why? Why is so much taken from me? I just want the world to stop.  Why wont it stop?  I just want to close my eyes and drift away leaving this world behind. Rising steadily away from the despair.  All I see in this wretched place is the pain of those who inhabit it.  The never ending  disappointment  and heartache.

I used to look at life with such hope long ago. How naive I was, sometimes I pray for that ignorance to envelope me once more.  All hope has been taken from me.  All desire removed. Food is nothing in my mouth but dust. All joy all happiness has been taken. I am a husk of my former self. A shadow left upon the stage of life to amuse the gods with my pain.

If hell exists I am surely there and my punishment is as sweet wine upon the lips of a demon. They surely dance with joy in anticipation of bathing in my misery. My tears lubricate their throats enabling horrendous and terrible laughter that never leaves my ears. How can I find joy when all I feel is sorrow.

Before recently I have never prayed to be released from this world, now all I want is freedom to move onto the next. I wish for the angel of death to place her lips upon mine and release me from my cage. To gently drift away the blackness enveloping me like a blanket warming my bones and setting my mind at peace.

Is there such a thing as peace? Can it be achieved? Truly achieved. Is there an escape from the torment of mortality? A place where my mind can rest and the goodness left in the world will present itself to me at long last.

Yesterday

How we wish we could go back to yesterday and right the wrongs we have committed. I made a mistake many years ago and I have suffered every moment since.  Now my life has come to a crossroad. A nexus in my timeline has been created and two paths are laid before me, unlike the past I do not have control over which path I will venture down.

For the past two years life has been unbearable. My heart has been torn from my chest and all I have wanted to do was to slip into the abyss and escape the hell I find myself in every waking moment.  I just want relief from my pain. An end to my suffering. I want to die. But I made a promise. I do not break my promises but it does not mean I don't have an unyielding desire to finally be free from this accursed existence.

I wanted to believe that my sacrifice was worth it. To know going to my grave that I have given all I could to those I love most. But alas I feel this is not the case and I will die knowing they see past me. They will never know how much I love them and I would pay any price for their happiness.

Please do not forget me if I should pass. Remember me so that I may live on in the hearts of those I love so much.

Misery

How can I explain the pumping  of my own heart if it is locked within my chest. How can you feel what goes through it. The emotions that plague it and the fears that control it. I wish to give you a door upon my chest with which you could open at your whim and gaze at the beating sadness within.  I want you to experience that which I do, to feel my suffering to be a witness to my misery. 

I walk this path alone now. My heart concealed behind a vault of iron.  I have lost your eyes upon it and am left cold and empty.  Once we suffered together, hand in hand we marched against the tide defiant in our will.  We were two souls come together as one. I would mot trade that memory for any other.  I do not believe I can navigate this new landscape without you by my side.

I have lost all, everything that has meant anything has been taken from me leaving me naked and alone by the edge of a strange ocean teeming with unknown dangers.  I cannot see the other side as I cannot perceive the future, both are one and the same and I have no boat to cross the expanse. U was happy once. For awhile. Life seemed new and exciting. Worth living. That is gone now.  That hope, the joy. Taken from me. Stolen.

Will I see you again?  Will I see your face light up at my presence.  Will you seek my advice as you used to. Or will we pass like ships in the mist ignorant of each others existence?  I had hope for my future once. I felt proud. I felt there was a reason for all we experienced. I knew it was driving us toward some unknown revelation that would enrich us both.   Was I a fool to dream that?  Was that the fanciful daydream of the naive?

Behind its iron cage my heart beats still. It is a loud  roar within my ears drowning out any peace I may hope to gain.  You once quieted the roar, brought peace to the chaos that was my mind. But no more. You are gone. You are gone...  I am half a soul, missing the other half that brought me a sense of completion. Does your heart ache for me in the quiet if the night?   Does  the darkness close around you?  Does the memory of my voice give you solace?  I know not the answer to these questions. So I am left to dream.