Missing my Daughter's

I will watch the world burn and dance on the ashes to protect you my daughter's.  My love for you is eternal.  My vigilance over your future is the ambition of my life.  All that I do, I do for you.  Every thought in my head and every action I take is for the benifit of you.  My life is yours to do with as you please.  I am your protector, I am your confidant.  I will never leave your side.

I cannot fathom my life without you, you are what makes me whole.  You are what my existnce has come to. Vigilance over you.  I pray for your happiness, I pray you find someone who will love you forever and hold you close to their chest in even the worst of days.  I never thought I could love so deeply but the first time I looked into your eyes I knew there would be no one else.  I would tear this world apart to find you if lost.   I will move the very mountains themselves if it pleases you.  The love a father feels for his children can never be matched.  Marriages come and go but the love of a parent will never fade.

The Love I feel for you my daughters scares me so completely.  I had never feared death until the moment you entered my life.  I feared not being there as you grew, holding you when you cried.  Laughing with you.  My bubling child you deserve the best life has to offer, your kindness your heart fills me so completely I secretly cry at your absence.  Can a man really have such love for his children that to be without them is torture?

Your are gone, for a short time I am without you.  You are finding joy in the exploration of the world without me.  I am so happy for you yet I cannot escape the feeling of misery at your departure.  I should be happy for time to myself yet my mind keeps turning to your smiling faces.  Like a ghost I keep expecting to see you around every corner yet when I turn only shadow exists.  Can a father love his offspring so much their absense brings pain?

I write this in the dark of the night the air cold on my feet, a single light illumates my desk and my computer screen makes my eyes bleary.  Writing this is all that consoles me.  I cannot look on you asleep in your bed so I must imagine your presence in my mind.  I wish you safety and happiness.  

The Heartache of Powerlessness

What can a parent say when confronted by their worst fear.  When your child is born you gaze deep into the eyes of innocence and swear to protect them from the evils of the world.  But a parent can only do so much to prepare them for the pressure and temptations of life.  

Those of you who have read any of my previous posts will know that 12 years ago my wife and I gave our two daughters up for adoption. It was a very difficult decision with pressure from many outside sources to prove we cared about them by surrendering our parental rights because we were young, poor and my wife was in and out of the hospital with a severe case of crones disease. Suffice it to say we eventually relented believing what we were doing was out of love for them.

Now it is 12 years later and the passing of years has been very stressful for us, we look back on the adoption as a colossal mistake perpetrated by manipulation and deceitful tactics to get us to surrender our children making us believe we were doing the right thing for them.  But it was not the right thing and the lives our children are leading are proof of the mistake that was made.  As I said before, our oldest daughter is now 15 and contacted us out of the blue. After talking to her now for several months we have seen the kind of lives they are leading and I must admit it leaves us with a deep heartache.

Our oldest loves us very much but can not get over the feeling of abandonment, she makes comments daily about how she wishes we had never given her up and that her adoptive parents don't understand the struggles she faces and the emotional issues she had to deal with.  The issues she has run far deeper than a typical teenager is forced to face and it has become obvious through my interaction with her that I would have been able to understand her better and help her through the issues she faces because I went through such similar issues myself.

Genetics is an amazing thing and it is clear they have turned out so similar to us it borders on creepy.  I feel because of this familiarity we are better able to understand them and give them advice on these issues.  I myself was adopted and feel that if I had been able to communicate with my birth parents my life would have been much easier, I would not have felt so alone and misunderstood in the world.

Now we come to the deep heartache.  The feeling of powerlessness that comes with adoption.  I understand that when you surrender your parental rights you are no longer the legal parent of your children.  But they are my children and I cannot stop feeling like their father.  Recently my daughter contacted me to look at a live stream 13 year old daughter was doing because she thought it was disturbing.  I went to the site my daughter said and was immediately shocked and heartbroken by what I was witnessing.  There on the screen was my youngest daughter and a friend of hers sitting on a live Internet stream in their bra's making crude sexual remarks and obscene gestures to a bunch of horny pedophiles.  The anger and heartache was instant.  I have never in my life felt such a simultaneous and intense emotional reaction to anything, save their births.  But here it was, like a bomb had gone off in my heart.  I began to shake all over as I listened to my Little girl asking people what they wanted them to do.  So many chimed in for the removal of their tops or other sexual actions.  I sat dumbstruck like an idiot for several minutes.  I was finally able to regain my faculties and immediately reported the live session.  It was emotionally devastating.

I know I had given away my legal parental right, but I was still her father and I could not stop the sickness that began in my belly and radiated to my chest.  My little girl was not acting like a typical teenage child but a "Whore". I understand how horrible that is to say but there is no other word that  I could find that would accurately describe what I was seeing.  I understand teens and their curiosity and humor about sex, I myself thought about sex a lot at that age, but I have never seen anything like what I witnessed in my life and I still cannot process it several days later.

Where were the parents?  Why are they not monitoring what their children are doing online.  I understand that kids can get lots by their parents but this was neglect at a colossal level.  They  should have been aware of this.  I asked my daughter to alert the adoptive parents but she refused fearing she would get into trouble herself.  She said they had a habit of blaming both of them for the actions of one.  I thought about calling family services and pointing them to the video, or calling  law enforcement but the legal action they take against teens for these things in America as of late felt as though I would be doing her life more harm than good.  The last thing a teenage child needs is a lifetime on a sex offender registry.

I cannot shake the feeling that if they had been living in my household I would have been more attentive to their online escapades and this would not have happened.  I feel as though my children would have trusted us more to communicate their thoughts.  I feel my daughter would have come to me about something like this as she did online because I would have understood the situation and prevented it.  I feel that her lack of connection with the adoptive parents leads to some pretty deep secrets a teen should not have.

I felt so alone growing up, although my adoptive parents would say how much they loved me I never felt like they did, their words felt hollow and at every opportunity they had I was shipped of to therapists and private schools.  I will say that I am grateful for my adoption despite the difficulties in growing up.  The house I went to was far better and more stable than the one I left but I will never be able to shake the feeling of missed opportunities to have someone understand me and what I went through.

I dont know what I am going to do about all of this.  I am their father, yet I am not.  I feel like I am watching thier lives through thick glass and no matter how hard I pound on the glass or how loud I yell I am powerless to affect change.  I have tried to think of so many things I can do to rectify the problem but all lead to more trouble.  And now I ask. "Where do I go from here?"