Jack Isgar: I Never Knew Raine Fell part 3

I spent the next few weeks with the detectives going over the evidence against my daughter. In spending time with me they had begun to accept I knew nothing of what had transpired at my house.  It was not due to neglect or negligence just naivety.  I hated the thought that I could have been so naive.  I always thought of myself as an attentive mother who cared about her children and their lives.  They would not let me visit Raine at any time although I was allowed to see her on closed circuit camera.  She had been given a room far away from other children on the opposite side of the juvenile detention facility, her accomplices although segregated from the main population of youth were not kept under as intense scrutiny as she was.  In the opinion of the detectives they were just other girls of the neighborhood manipulated by Raine.  They were way more interested in the motivations of my daughter than in the weakness of her friends.

I sat there for days watching Raine through the video monitor.  I wouldn’t leave as long as they allowed me to stay.  Normally a mother would be allowed to visit their child in a detention center but due to the severity of the crimes no one but staff and psychologists had any access to her.  I was allowed to watch the progress through the video feed but was not able to make any demands, her attorney had tried to set guidelines but I had overruled him.  I wanted to know as bad as the detectives did why she had done the things she had done.  I felt a defense lawyer making demands would just create an unnecessary quagmire.  I know this makes me sound like a horrible mother and under normal circumstances I would have my lawyer defend my child with every defense he could muster, but the horror I had seen committed by this seemingly innocuous child had alleviated my desire for proper law ethics at this point.

As I watched Raine it was as if I were watching a live demonic possession.  Most of the time she would just sit there staring into nothingness silent and unmoving.  Other times she would be talking to herself but her words were indecipherable and foreign.  The psychiatrist had contacted a linguistics professor in an attempt to understand what she might be saying but all he could discern was that it was a real language but a dead or unknown one.  I didn’t know this child on the video before me.  It was like my daughter was gone.  The sweet little girl I had given birth to was gone and in her place was this thing, I know I may be repeating myself but you have to understand my shock and disbelief.

During my vigil over the video, unbeknownst to me, a man had come into the room and taken a seat beside me and immersed himself in the video as well.  When at last I realized I was no longer alone I almost jumped out of my skin, I had been so engrossed in the video, observing every little action and tweak my daughter made I was oblivious to the world beyond that flickering box.  When I composed myself and made every attempt to hide my surprise at the unexpected intrusion I was moved to ask who this man was.  

“Who are you?  I didn’t hear you come in.”  I said trying to sound stronger than I felt.

“Sorry about that, I tend to move rather quiet.  My wife hates it.”  He said with a wide grin while examining my face.  He was an older man with thinning grey disheveled hair topping an almost bald crown.  He made no attempt to wrangle in his outrageous hair.  He was old, about 50-55 with a deep craggy worn face to looked to have seen way too much drama in the short time a human would walk the earth.  What stood out most was his eyes, they were a deep flecked emerald green with amber color around the pupils.  They were like looking at two shattered emeralds glistening in the light of the room.  “You looked so entranced by the video I didn’t want to disturb you.  I hope its ok that I’m here.”

“Uh… Yea, I guess.  Who are you?” I said not sure I wanted to know.  I didn’t need more detectives or government agents hounding me with questions I couldn’t answer.  “There is nothing more I can tell you that hasn’t already been asked a million times.  I’m sorry but I just can’t give you people the answers you want.”  I returned my attention to the screen looking longingly at the child sitting motionless on the bed, just wishing this nightmare would end and I could gather the bubbling happy child I thought I knew into my arms and sit down with my family. Happy. Ignorance truly is bliss.

This whole thing just felt like one long nightmare.  And now this man sat next to me staring at the monitor trying to figure out what  made my daughter tic.  I wasn't sure how I should feel about it.  He seemed very friendly and genuine but at the same time I had learned to trust no one. My instinct was if I could not even trust my own flesh and blood, then I could trust no one.  The last person I truly trusted died the night they came for Raine.

“I apologize for not introducing myself immediately.”  He said to me looking genuinely apologetic that he had shaken me.  “My name is Father Grey, I’m a priest.”  He paused a moment and looked at the monitor.  “Well, you could say I’m kind of a priest.  I am really more of a student of history and humanity who also happens to be a priest.”  He grinned sheepishly at me searching my eyes for answers.

“As I said.  Father.  There is nothing I can tell you, I am as shocked and surprised by my daughter as anyone else was.”  I turned back toward the monitor hoping I had deterred further discussion.

"Oh, I understand." He stated clearly undeterred by my cold demeanor.  "I wouldn't trust another soul either if I were in your position, I mean if you can't trust your own flesh and blood then how could you possibly trust anyone else."

I was stunned by his insight into my predicament but I made no gesture of acknowledgement but he must have been more insightful than I knew because he seemed to read me without effort.  "Look, I am not asking you to trust me. I am asking that you give me the chance to earn your trust."

"What is it you want then?"

"The same thing as you. To understand who or what this little girl is and how she came to be this way."

We both sat in silence for the next few minutes allowing each other time to think.  After a bit the father spoke again.  "I don't mean to sound impatient, and I very much appreciate you not telling me to get lost but I would like to discuss why I'm here."

"Yet." I said.

"Yet?" He replied questioningly.

"I haven't kicked you out YET."  I said looking into those dark green eyes.  "If you're just another detective or some parish priest looking for his fifteen minutes of fame then expect to be thrown out."  I gave him a grim look so he knew I was serious.

"Point taken." He gave a deep chuckle before continuing.  "I used to work for the church on exorcism.  You might say the only reason I joined the church was to study possession up close. I was never really a believer but I knew there was something interesting happening besides a few hoaxes.  I saw some interesting stuff in my time but nothing that would have me convinced of something paranormal or demonic happening.  I had given up and have been retired for a few years, but a colleague saw this and thought it would interest me and I have to admit he was right."

After his little speech he quieted down to give me time to digest what he was telling me.  I sat there for a half hour saying nothing, letting him stew for a bit. "Let's see how patient he is." I thought.  Father Gray  sat there silent as a mouse watching the scene for another hour.  His patience was impressive.

"So what do you think is wrong with my daughter?"

He looked at me and a friendly smile formed across his lips. "Well..."

I Never Knew Raine Fell part 2

My name is Emily Serim, I am 35 years old.  Until yesterday I was the happy mother of two children, a son Duncan and a daughter Raine.  I was happily married to my husband Michael for fifteen years.  We met when I was twenty years old.  He was so odd when I first laid eyes on him at a college dance.  He was sitting watching everyone dance with amusement, but there was something so serene about him.  I had to get to know him.

We ended up dating for only a few weeks before we got married, some may have thought that was way too quick but when family and friends saw us together they knew we were meant to be.  Our relationship was a happy one filled with passionate love making and many nights cuddled together on the couch watching television. When I was 25 we welcomed our first child.  We named her Raine for the dreary day in which she was born.  I will never forget the labor pain I endured with her, Michael was there holding my hand and whispering encouragement into my ear.  My mother was on my other side telling me to push while my father was in the waiting room with an unlit cigar in his mouth and a look of fresh new grandparent joy spread across his thin lips.  He had been a great father and would be an even greater grandfather.

With such a loving home I am at a loss to explain what my daughter had become. The evil, the lies.  How could she have hidden this all from us?  My son Duncan was born on my 30th birthday.  It was an easy pregnancy and delivery.  He was born on a day of fresh spring air and sunlit beauty.  He was a child of pure innocence.  Although he was born two months early he was strong and adapted to the world quickly.

Raine took to being a proper good sister and even at the tender age of five she did all she could to help with the care of her little brother and the upkeep of the house.  I used to laugh when she would try and sweep the floors for us.  It was adorable.  This little girl trying to use a broom three times her height.  She tried so hard, she was a constant joy.  Was it an act?  Was she like this from the beginning?  When did she fall? No. No child could be that deceptive from such a young age. Could they?

When the detectives explained their case and the evidence they had uncovered I could not bring myself to look and when I finally did I was in denial that the images of my daughter with the butchered and disfigured bodies of multiple men.  The pictures looked so mundane at first glance.  Just a smiling child, but that was all.  Upon closer inspection you could see that what she was sitting beside was a gruesome and almost hellish scene.  It was as if someone had photoshopped my daughter into some suicide bombing scene in Iraq.  At first this is what I had believed had been done but the detectives assured me that was not the case.  There was my perpetually happy daughter sitting in a scene of absolute carnage as if she was on a trip to the park.  This picture alone was not enough to convince me of the evil monster I had given birth to.  This could not be her.  This could not be my Raine.

They took the time to explain to me what was happening.  I could hear them but they were like muffled voices a long way off, I just kept staring at the picture they had showed me.  I did not notice one of the detectives had taken out an Android Tablet and began setting it up on the table.  He smelled of spearmint gum and cigarettes.  He looked as if he never showered and shaved only about once a week.  My home felt invaded and even as I sit here in my socks typing this on an old typewriter sipping coffee I still have that feeling.  This is what a rape victim must feel like.  Exposed, scared, alone.  I am alone now in this house.  It seems so much bigger when it’s empty.

The pungent detective brought me back to the reality of my situation as he set the tablet before me with a video queued up. The picture was still, an image of Raine, she wore a face I had never seen before, and it was one of exquisite evil, the type of look that would haunt a person for the rest of their life.  The play button hovered over her face.  He eyes seemed so dark, empty, soulless.  The detective told me to press play whenever I was ready.  I wish I could have sat there permanently.  I never wanted to press that button.  The image of my daughter on the screen mocked me, I tried many times to reach for the screen but I pulled my hand back unable to bring myself to cross the threshold of ignorance into understanding.  Finally the detective felt he had waited long enough, his restlessness became apparent as you could begin to hear the tapping of impatient fingers on the wood grain of the kitchen table.  He reached for the tablet but before he could press the button my finger darted to the screen and pressed play.  It felt as if a force had used me to do that.  I felt outside myself.  As the setting sun began to sink below the hills and the magic hour light faded from my kitchen the video began to play.

The video began with Raine standing there looking into the camera, it was obvious someone else was there as well, holding the camera for her.  “Are you ready?” she asked the person behind the camera and to my astonishment the voice of a child not an adult answered back.  “Yes, I think so.”  It was the voice of another little girl, a little girl I was very familiar with.  She was Hannah, a playmate of my daughter.  The two were joined at the hip when it came to school but in everyday life they seldom played together.  I was not aware of Hannah having been here in at least two months, despite the video clearly showing a date of one week ago.

“Move the camera around so our audience can see our lair.”  My daughter spoke eloquently, far advanced of her tender years, she sounded like another person, the stumbling bubbling speech of a child had been replaced by that of a cold and calculating monster.  The tempo of her voice was soft and even, there was no emotion in the tone.  It was as if something had possessed this child,  but this was reality and I could see the familiar glint of my daughter, this was her true self, the deception was who she presented to her family.

“Why are we making a video Raine?”  Hannah asked meekly.  It was clear Hannah was the subordinate one.

“I want a memento of this day, to watch when I get bored.”  She said with a chilling smile to the camera.  “My mom won’t be home until six so we have a few hours.”

It was clear this event was taking place in my basement.  But I frequently went down there and never found anything to be amiss.  After a moment the reasoning became all too clear.  Our house was an old one and there are some place in old houses that only children knew about.  She watched as the camera followed Raine to a spot under the stairs. In the corner was a small door which she disappeared through, a moment later the camera followed her in.  When the camera adjusted to the dimmer light a room became apparent on the video.  It was a room built underground off the house, it must have been used long ago to store food items to save them from the summer heat.  I had not been aware that this room existed but was not surprised, it was tucked away beneath the stairs.

Inside the room, was a bed, a dresser and a small table in the corner.  There was no covering on the wall and the beams looked like ribs painted a dusted white that gave the whole room an ethereal look.  Everything appeared just a bit too small for a normal person, the ceiling was low, an adult would have to stoop down to navigate the room.  This was a place designed for a child.  The camera panned around and I was able to see more of the room.  There was a mirror on the opposite wall by the door.  A dirty rug that had the obvious browned stains of blood was frayed on the corners with an image of a child playing in a garden embroidered on it. This room was like something from another world, something you would see in a nightmare or a horror movie, I could not believe this place had been beneath my feet for months, and who knows how much longer.  Raine had lived in this house her entire life but there had never been any indication of her disappearing down here or anything out of the ordinary for that matter.  I didn’t want to see anymore, I didn’t want to see what my daughter was going to do down here.  I wanted to run from the house but I couldn’t move I was transfixed on the screen, the whole world had disappeared leaving only me and this video, the images consumed me, drawing me in.

“Ok set the camera up over there, he won’t be able to see it there and we’ll be able to capture everything.”

“Did Allie do this for you last week?”  I could hear Hannah ask as the picture went crazy with the fiddling she was doing.  

“Another girl was involved in this?”  I asked the detective.

“It appears she had at least three other girls beside her were involved in this.  All have been taken into custody and will be questioned later when things calm down a bit.  The media is going haywire about this.”  He had said.

The jerking movement of the camera stopped and the whole of the room was now in full view of the camera.  “Where should I go?”

“Just wait at the top of the stairs until I call you ok?”

I could hear Hannah leave and a moment later I could hear the quiet shuffling of her feet on the stairs but the door did not open or close so it was obvious she was sitting at the top of the stairs just out of sight but within ear shot.

When Hannah was gone Raine went to the camera and looked into the lens, her eyes were wide and crazed like a rabid animal.  These were not the eyes of a child anymore but those of a predator.  After inspecting the camera she smiled into it as if nodding to a future audience.  “Enjoy the show.” She said.  She then walked over to the bed and sat down.  She remained there motionless and silent for the next fifteen minutes until a knock on the door brought her out of her own head and back into the world.  She glanced at the camera before getting up and walking out of the room, a few minutes later she came back in but she was not alone.  There was a man accompanying her now, he was about 5’10 but that was hard to tell because he had to stoop over in this child’s secret room.  He was thin and at least between forty and fifty years of age with a short gray haircut.  He wore khaki pants and a blue and white plaid shirt.  She took him by the hand and escorted him to the bed.

“I didn’t think you were real.”  He said as he sat down on the bed and she stood in front of him holding his hands in hers.  “I can’t believe this is real, I’m so glad I answered your message online.

My daughter pushed him gently back on the bed until he was lying down crossways with his legs planted on the floor.   Even in the dim room you could tell the man was aroused and he was expecting a taste of forbidden fruit.  Raine stepped away from him and walked across the room as the man began to unbutton his shirt preparing to indulge in the festivities yet to come. As he was busying himself Raine was opening the dresser drawer.  From the angle of the camera I could see a strange looking knife she had taken from the top drawer of the dresser.  It looked to be a jagged blade with a bone handle, I had never seen anything like it.  She hid the knife behind her back as she turned back toward the man now lying on the bed shirt open and pants unbuckled.  Raine walked toward him moving seductively hiding the blade behind her back.  She walked up between the man’s legs that were still hung over the bed planted on the floor, the man reached for Raine still thinking this was his lucky day.  As he reached for her, he hand moved in a flash from behind her back, the fingers that had been reaching for the forbidden flesh of a child were instantly severed, before he had time for a reaction Raine had turned the blade and thrust it into the man’s chest right below the sternum.  A blood curdling cry filled the small room and Raine looking right into the old man’s eyes pulled the jagged knife, slicing from sternum to groin.  This silenced the man as he went into shock and the only noise escaping from his mouth now was a gurgling sound of him drowning in his own blood.

I was shocked, horrified… sick.  I jumped from my chair and rushed to the sink.  The vomit was thick and smelled of coffee and bile.  When I was done I turned on the faucet to try and wash it down the sink.  I couldn’t watch anymore, the detectives seemed to understand this and put the tablet away.  They told me the rest of the video was my daughter bringing Hannah back in and having her help clean up,  she had convinced the neighborhood girls that what they were doing was a good thing by riding the world of men who would prey on children.  She had them thinking they were doing God’s work.  These girls thought their parents would be proud of them.  Hannah was clearly shaken by what she had seen and done I knew she would be traumatized for life, but they explained Raine had just been humming away as she began wringing a sponge and wiping away the blood.  They said they had never seen anything so disturbing especially from a child.

I could no longer think, I had no idea the response expected from me or if I would have to defend myself against accusation of my complicity in my daughter's actions.  There is no possibility of people feeling sympathy for me because there is no one who could believe I knew nothing, I would not even believe it myself if I were not the one to experience this horror myself, my daughter had been so cunning and absolute in her deception that forever people would ask when exactly did I know that Raine had fallen into evil?

I Never Knew Raine Fell

I never knew, I could have never known.  How could a child be capable of such evil?  How could my child be... this?  What kind of parent am I that I couldn’t  see what was before my very eyes?  Maybe it was the love of a mother that overshadowed my daughter’s true self.  I sit now at my kitchen table sipping coffee and staring at the steam rising from the black liquid.  The vapor dances on the air in patterns and I am lost in the shapes that seem to emerge.

I could not have known could I?  Was I willingly neglectful that something so heinous could be happening under my very roof?  This child was the fruit of my womb, yet I now feel no connection to this monster.  Where did I go wrong as a parent?  Where did I lose the fight for the soul of my child?  When did I lose sight of what she was becoming?  Was she born this way? Was I to blame?

The detectives had sat across from this very table not an hour before asking these very questions. Questions I had no answer to.  I didn’t believe them at first and if I hadn’t seen the pictures and videos for myself I could never have comprehended the terror that was happening in my basement.  The floorboard I trod every morning harbored a horrid nightmare beneath them.  

I am only writing this right now while this is all still fresh in my mind, if the authorities would like to see it as a confession or a willful act of ignorance on the part of an adult who ignored all of the warning signs, then so be it.  I do not know how long this paper will be.  I am not aware of anything at this point, I am just numb all over, and the images keep invading my mind.  I don’t know if I can live with this in my heart.  Two days ago this house was filled with the laughter and love of a family.  Children squealed in delight as their father chased them and gave them horseback rides, I was the typical housewife.  I thought we were happy.  After I am done this paper I think I’ll end it.  

The house is now so silent, no children, no laughter, no husband.  I miss him.  I wish I could have seen this before it was too late.  He might still be here.  My son. Gone. I loved him, he was a miracle, born premature.  He had made it to age 5.  He was strong and resilient. Dead now.  How did I not know what she was doing?  How did I not know my own daughter was a monster?  I have read of evil children on the internet, but I always thought they were the spawn of evil and neglectful parents.  I never thought it could be in a place such as this.  I am digressing from the point.  This paper will be my testament to the happenings here in Newtown, Pennsylvania.  I hope other parents will learn from this.  Maybe they can spot in their children what I missed.

END part 1

I heard a Raven's Calling

CAW!!

Today I heard a raven’s calling, the mournful sweet call of the morning sun and pollen wind.  It broke the silence and shifted in the stillness of the air.  I heard it from all directions beckoning me to come near.  I drew from my bed and ventured down the hall, the creak of the floorboards beneath my toes as the weight shifted them crackled like sticks in a fire.  There was something new in the air and something old in the mist, the contradiction was palpable as I stepped from the porch and felt the early morning dew as the feet stepped lightly on the grass.  Cold yet warm, discomfort yet…?

CAW!!

Again it called, from up in a tree like a dove soaked in oil it sat, its observation of my progress was that of god watching Adam’s first steps. The damp air wet my clothes and they clung to my body.  The new air yet something old in the mist, again a contradiction man cannot describe.  I felt him in the mist, a cloak about him, a clock dangled from his wrist.  It was he.  Him who comes.  The losing race between man and death, one that cannot be outrun.

CAW!!

Again it calls, again I heed.  I walk without direction in the enveloping mist.  I walk with solemn determination to he who beckons me. His cloak pushes the mist from him, it swirls in anger that it cannot wet him.  He stands, a hand to be outstretched, the skin a silver pale.  Old and bony like a fetid corpse.  His finger reaching toward me.  A millipede wraps, twines itself in a scurry around his fingers.  His nails long and yellow cracked cuticles and blackened dirt.

CAW!!

He reaches now, my hand to him I offer, so close yet so far I cannot touch him.  He beckons and I cry.  I want to go, but I want to stay. I yearn to run but like a babe to his mother’s breast I am drawn.  Life is as a waterfall flowing over the cliff constant from a distance but rushing upon approach.  The exhilaration like a drug through the veins but the terror is also gripping, like Schrodinger’s cat I am in two states at once, Alive and dead, blissful and terrified.

CAW!!

How many times does the Raven call before I die? I wonder.  He caws for me a silken cloak of elegant black wrapped in hemp cords and silver fastenings.  A face of white and sunken eyes.  He look far yet intense.  He comes for me.  I wish to run but I move toward him, a dance of two beings.  The push and pull of gravitational forces pulling us inevitably closer.  A collision is imminent and we will become one.  Is this the path of all souls?  From one to many, from many to one?

CAW!!

It has come, time and space collide, my senses dull and the world becomes heavy my mouth thick, my muscles as stone.  A prison of none’s design, a body as a statue forever watching a rotating world.  A passenger to eternity, a stowaway hidden from the living.  I go to his embrace.  I go to my eternity.

Truth and Law

Truth and Law.  Let us assume that our government and law enforcement understand this fundamental fact of a stable society. There must be a certain amount of truth conducted by those in an authoritative position to maintain the trust and faith of those they supervise.  Lying  should never be tolerated by those who would govern us, dishonesty without necessity is like sour fruit in our mouths, once we take a bite we can never taste of that fruit again, our trust in it has been broken.  We now are experiencing this sour fruit in our country it has invaded our collective senses and brought us to realize a new awareness of those who would be our masters.  Our masters?  This thought is troubling.  In a honest society this would be a thought of absurdity. 

I have watched with disdain the events that have unfolded around the country I call home.  A scourge of violence that has erupted brought about by an overzealous and impatient law enforcement community.  When one feels the law does not apply to them, corruption reigns supreme.  There is no excuse for the degrading and dehumanizing behavior displayed by the law enforcement community and military forces.  When we rank with Iran and North Korea in terms of governmental nature it is time to re-evaluate the situation we have put ourselves in.  The trust must be earned again and it must be a serious endeavor made by those who would wish to rule.