I post this as a thought, a thought that has been with me since the day I made the difficult and unfortunate decision to adopt out those whom I loved most in the world. It's is a common misconception that parents give their children up for adoption because they are unwanted or unloved. While sometimes this can be the case most often times it is because the biological parents love their children so much they understand they cannot be the parents the child needs. In their love for their child they make a sacrifice that will affect the lives of their children the adoptive family and themselves. Often times it is their desire to act in the best interests of the child.
I am an adopted child myself and have given my children up for adoption. It was the hardest decision my wife and I ever had to make. We were very young and there was tremendous pressure on us from both of our families. Families who were unwilling to be part of our children's lives felt it was acceptable to try and dictate the course of all of our lives. I am much older now and my wife and I have realized the tremendous mistake we made. We lost a family because we listened to those who thought they knew what was best for us. We have had a hole in our hearts since that day that nothing has been able to fill. Being an adopted child myself I understand what it is like to be on the other side of the equation. Growing up I had a loving family but I always felt a part of me was missing. There was a piece of the puzzle that had no been placed among the others and even at a young age I understood this. Parents who have adopted children never underestimate the biological bond that will always be in the heart of your child.
Recently one of my daughters whom we had given up for adoption contacted us. She is a beautiful and loving 15 year old girl with a huge heart and a smile that melts a fathers heart. She said she felt something missing her whole life and she felt in talking to us she had finally found that missing piece of herself. I instantly knew to what she was referring because I experienced the same thing. But as we talked more and more of her and who she was became apparent to me. She has had the same struggles I had as a child with the same emotional and anger issues I myself had to overcome. It pains me that I cannot be there for her to help her through it. I have told her to talk to her adoptive parents about it but as was with me she says they do not understand her or how to handle the issues she has. I experienced all of these things as well and have a unique insight into what she has to go through in her life. Seeing her struggles only makes my wife and I regret our decision all the more. I have great faith in the adoptive process but we were made to believe several things in the course of the adoption process that turned out to be untrue in the end.
Adoptive parents I am eternally grateful for the role you play in giving a child a home and love and shelter but never underestimate the love of the biological parents and their love for their children. Many of us have had no choice in the matter, we were young and we all know young people do not always make the best decisions and decisions of adoption are some the biggest decision a parent can make and when your young you do not understand the full impact of these decisions or how it will affect all those involved. If you are going to adopt children understand that although we may have given up our legal rights the ties that bind us are eternal. I thank you for all you have done and will continue to do for children in need.
Our other daughter is another story, she is 13 and has no interest in getting to know us and while we understand and respect her decision or hearts break with this knowledge and we pray one day to hold her in our arms again. But she is becoming a child that is foreign to us and it can be disconcerting to see what your children become with the guidance of another hand. As a biological parent sometimes you scream in your head "Wait, you don't understand them, please just listen." But alas it is no longer your right and you must live with that mistake.
I speak from my own personal feelings on this topic, there have been many happy adoptions but sadly ours was not one of them. To this day we feel as though we were cheated by the system and by those we loved and trusted. So this I say to potential biological parents and adoptive parents. "Understand where your child came from and where they are going, the subject of adoption especially in the age of social media can be a daunting proposition. Understand there are those that are left behind and those that mourn and those that dream."
One thing that consistently breaks my heart about our adoption is the one request we made that the adoptive parents assured us on. We asked that their names not be changed. we understood the necessity of changing the last name but we felt the rest of their name was special and to change it was to wipe away a part of who they were. We were promised that only their last names would be changed but sadly they lied to us. They changed everything but their first names and changed the pronunciation of one of their names. This hurt beyond all comparison. It was something that was promised, a promise that was broken. Adoptive parents, don't make a promise you have no intention of keeping. This hurts all parties in the end. We still feel a connection with our children please don't wipe away a piece of their identity to suit your own egos, adoption is about the child not about you.
Thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope you may learn something about adoption from what I have written.
No comments:
Post a Comment